Dark Lord Wars
by Ghostkaiba297
Summary: Palpatine, Voldemort, and Sauron clash in a colossum struggle, orchestrated by the traitorous Shagrat. A Star Wars, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings crossover.
1. Scream for Ice Cream

DARK LORD WARS

A Star Wars, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Ring crossover

Chapter 1: Scream for Ice Cream

Palpatine, Sauron, and Voldemort were fighting. Then, they stopped and kissed and made up, except without the kissing.

"Would you like me to buy me some ice cream?" Voldemort asked Sauron and Palpatine.

"I can't," replied Palpatine. "I have sensitive teeth."

"I can get you some fake teeth forged in the fires of Mount Doom where I forged the One Ring… TO RULE THEM ALL!!!" said Sauron. Come on, have some ice cream with Voldy and me!"

"When I say no what I mean is… NO!" said the emperor.

Voldemort was furious! He charged directly at Palpatine...

* * *

Harry woke up from another nightmare. His scar was prickling.

"There was a man…" said Harry. "Voldemort offered him some ice cream, but he wouldn't take it. We have to help him."

"Bloody old bloke," said Ron.

"What did he look like?" asked Hermione.

"He had on a black cloak, and his face was all grotesque," said Harry.

"Even more so than You-Know-Who?" said Ron, perplexed.

"Yeah. We've got to help him somehow."

* * *

Palpatine, looking defeated, lay at Voldemort's feet. Voldemort laughed maniacally. Then, Darth Vader walked into the room. "What is thy bidding my master?" he said.

"Lord Vader… take… cell phone," said Palpatine. "Call my… mother and tell her… to find Sauron and ship him… to Mount Doom… and dump him in the molten magma. Ow, my aching back…"

"Yes, my master," said Vader.

"Also… send Veers, Piett, and Jerjerrod… to go and rescue me from… dungeon… and turn Harry Potter to the dark side."

"He will join us or die."

Vader walked out of the room. Voldemort snapped his fingers and Rookwood and Dolohov entered and dragged Palpatine away.

"Time to torture you until you eat my ice cream!" said Voldemort.

* * *

Sauron entered the tower of Barad-dûr. "Wayne! Shagrat! Gorbag!" The goblin and two orcs entered the room.

"Yes Master?" said Wayne.

"Today Voldy gave me some banana-licorice ice cream!" said Sauron. "That ice cream tasted very good! Go to Superstore and buy me some!"

"I'll go," said Shagrat. "You two go easy on your weak limbs." And he walked off.

Gorbag was puzzled. "I thought he was the one who always made up excuses to make others do his work for him!

"Maybe he wants to make up for it!" said Sauron with a shrug.

Wayne didn't understand this. "But it's unlike him to…"

Suddenly Wayne and Gorbag look at each other in horror!

"What is it?" said Sauron.

* * *

Shagrat left Superstore with a box of banana-licorice ice cream and ate it all in about 30 seconds!

At Voldemort's dungeon, Palpatine was locked up in a cell. Voldemort gave him some ice cream.

"Eat it!" said Voldemort.

"Never!" said Palpatine.

Voldemort raised his wand. "CRUCIO!!!"

Palpatine writhed on the ground in agony.

"EAT IT YOU DOPE!!!" said Voldemort.

"I'm not a dope!" said the emperor.

"Forgive me… Darth Dope!"

Palpatine began to zap Voldemort with Sith Lightning!

"Protego!" A shield formed around Voldemort, causing the lightning to rebound and zap Palpatine instead.

"Eat the ice cream!" snapped Voldemort.

"No!" said Palpatine.

"Then I'll have to use the Imperius Curse!" said Voldemort.

Shagrat entered the room.

"What is it Shagrat?" said Voldemort.

"Lord Thingy!" said Shagrat.

"Call me the Dark Lord!!!"

"Mr. Dark Lord! Sauron is planning to overthrow you and take over the universe."

"That lying cheating scum!" said Voldemort angrily.

* * *

At Barad-dûr, Sauron was getting impatient waiting for Shagrat to return with the ice cream.

"What's taking that rat so long?" said Sauron, pacing back and forth.

"He's eaten all the ice cream himself! I know it!" said Gorbag.

"Even if he did why would that take him so long?" said Wayne.

Shagrat entered the room.

"Shagrat!" said Sauron. "Where is the ice cream?"

"You ate it! I KNOW you did!" said Gorbag.

"No I didn't," said Shagrat. "I was bringing it home, when suddenly Voldemort came and hit me with the Full Body Bind Curse! He took the ice cream and scarfed it down!"

"Dude!" said Sauron. "That Voldemort guy is evil! Even more so than me! I must not allow anyone to steal ice cream from me! I'm calling the Nazgûl!"

Sauron ran off toward the living room.

"Why does our boss have to be the stupidest?" said Gorbag. "First, not even Voldemort is more evil than he is! Second, if Voldemort had attacked Shagrat, he'd have hit him with Avada Kedavra not Petrificus Totalus! You're trying to trick him aren't you?"

"You don't trust me do you Gorbag?" snarled Shagrat. "Why do you hate me so you scum?"

"Let's face it! You ate the ice cream and are pitting Sauron and Voldemort against each other!"

Shagrat threw a bowling ball at Gorbag. He ducked and it hit Wayne in the head and knocked him out.

"No one shall stop my plans Gorbag!" said Shagrat, and he took a sword and stabbed Gorbag in the throat! Then he put the sword in Wayne's hand to make it look like he killed Gorbag and then got his memory jugged by the bowling ball falling on his head. Shagrat snuck off.

* * *

Who will win - Voldemort or Sauron? Can Harry, Ron, and Hermione save Palpatine? Will they find out that he is evil? Stay tuned for Chapter 2


	2. The War Begins

DARK LORD WARS

Chapter 2: The War Begins

"I'll need power to deal with Sauron!" said Voldemort. "Snape! Wormtail! Call Bellatrix Lestrange!"

Snape walked away with Wormtail and kicked him. Wormtail jumped up and choked Snape to death with his silver hand! Voldemort walked into the dungeon and opened the door.

"Are you releasing me?" said Emperor Palpatine.

"No," said Voldemort. "I'm controlling you."

"Wha…"

"Imperio!"

Palpatine fell under Voldemort's control!

"Now call all your troops!" said Voldemort.

Voldemort, his Death Eaters, Palpatine, and a whole army of Stormtroopers marched toward Mordor! No sooner had they left than Harry, Ron, and Hermione arrived.

"He's dead!" said Ron.

"Then where's his body?" said Hermione.

"There are bones in the dungeon," said Harry. "Voldemort must've Transfigured them into bones!"

Suddenly Darth Vader appeared with Piett, Veers, and Jerjerrod!

"Who are you?" said Harry.

"We are here to rescue the Emperor," said Vader.

"Emperor?" said Ron. "You mean the guy in the dungeon? We're here to rescue him too!"

Vader, Veers, Piett, and Jerjerrod got in a huddle.

"What do you think General?" said Vader.

"I say we let them come with us," said Veers. "If they're evil, they can be in our Empire. If they're good, we can kill them after the rescue is complete."

"But not Harry," said Jerjerrod. "Let's turn him evil."

Vader turned toward Harry. "Of course you may come with us."

"Yes!" said Harry.

"Lord Voldemort is in Mordor attacking Sauron," said Piett.

"Sauron?" said Ron. "Who's he?"

"The Dark Lord of Mordor," said Jerjerrod. "But he cannot die unless the Ring is destroyed. It is his Horcrux."

"You mean like the ones Voldemort has?" said Harry.

"Voldemort has Horcruxes too?" said Veers.

"Yeah," said Harry. "There's the diary, which I already destroyed, the ring, which Dumbledore destroyed before he was killed by a Balrog, then there's Slytherin's Locket, Hufflepuff's Cup, Ravenclaw's Diadem, and Nagini the snake."

"Let's go," said Vader.

* * *

"And that's why we must destroy Voldemort as soon as possible!" said Sauron into the phone. "Bring all eight of the other Wraiths."

Sauron hung up.

"Wayne! Where's my coffeepot?"

Sauron entered the room and, to his great shock, saw Gorbag dead and Wayne unconscious, bowling ball next to his head and sword in his hand.

"What's going on?" said Sauron.

Wayne got back up.

"Wayne! You killed Gorbag!" yelled Sauron.

"No I didn't!" said Wayne.

"That guy was so useless anyway," said Sauron. "Stupid, too. I hate idiots. Good work Wayne!"

"When you live in a glass house you shouldn't throw stones," said Wayne.

"What's that?" said the Dark Lord.

"Nothing," said Wayne. "Ouch! My head hurts!" He rubbed the bump on his head.

"What's going on?" said Sauron again.

"Apparently Wayne stabbed Gorbag and then got knocked out by a bowling ball and forgot about the whole incident," said Gothmog.

"Oh so that's what happened," said Wayne.

* * *

Shagrat was hiding in Cirith Ungol.

"It's all going according to plan!" said Shagrat. "If Voldemort wins, Sauron's body will perish and while he forces Palpatine to eat the ice cream, I can take the Ring from Sauron and use its power to become the next Dark Lord of Mordor! If Sauron wins, I can try a sneak attack and cut off his fingers and take the ring myself! As for Palpatine, well, I can kill both him and Voldemort if Voldy wins! And if Sauron wins, then both of them will be dead! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"Now I shall eat a watermelon!" said Sauron.

"Don't eat the black seeds!" said Wayne.

"What?" Sauron couldn't hear his servant because he was listening to songs of darkness on his headphones.

"DON'T EAT THE BLACK SEEDS!!!" yelled Wayne as loud as he could.

Sauron threw the watermelon shell down and took off his headphones.

"Now what was it you wanted to tell me?" said Sauron.

"Not to eat the black seeds."

"Why?"

"Cause if you do a watermelon will grow in your stomach."

"DOH!" Sauron smacked his head.

"What is it?" said Wayne.

"I swallowed all the seeds!"

"How many were there?"

"About seven!"

"Then you'll have seven watermelons growing in your stomach!"

"Cut me open and take them out then!"

"I can't do that because Voldemort has declared war on us!"

Sauron looked out the window and saw the Orcs of Mordor fighting the Death Eaters, Dementors, and Stormtroopers!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" yelled Sauron in despair.

"Remember you can't die unless the ring is destroyed!" Wayne reminded him.

"Oh yeah!"

Just then, Saruman and Wormtongue entered the room.

"I have found Voldemort's Horcruxes," said Saruman.

"Good," said Sauron.

"I had Worm kill Nagini," continued Saruman.

"Now throw them in the Fires of Mount Doom!" Sauron commanded him.

Saruman walked out the door. Sauron called Wormtongue back to him.

"Wormtongue! There is a coward with a metal hand somewhere trying to storm my castle! His name is Wormtail! Go and kill him now!"

Wormtongue left, muttering.

* * *

So, the war has begun! Which Dark Lord will triumph? Place your bets everyone.


	3. Mount Doom

Dark Lord Wars

Chapter 3: Mount Doom

AN: There's a bit of language from here on. Nothing too bad, just words like damn and hell.

* * *

"All of the Horcruxes are gone," said Harry. "I heard it from Lurtz. He said some guy named Saruman destroyed all of the remaining Horcruxes."

"Except one," said General Veers.

"What?" said Ron.

Veers took his gun and shot Harry in the head with it! Harry fell to the ground in a crumpled heap.

"We were supposed to turn Harry to the dark side!" said Darth Vader angrily.

"You never wanted to rescue the Emperor did you?" said Ron. "You were just playing us for idiots!"

Vader reached out with the Force and choked Veers to death!

"REDUCTO!" said Ron, aiming his wand directly at Darth Vader. Vader ducked, and the spell sailed over his head and hit Piett, blowing him to bits.

"Master! HELP MEEEEE!" Jerjerrod cried in terror. Darth Vader took his lightsaber and cut Jerjerrod down with it!

"Petrificus Totalus!" said Hermione. Vader's arms snapped to his sides. His legs snapped together. He fell to the ground on his back.

"Let's kill him!" said Ron, raising his wand.

"No Ron!" said Hermione. "Every second counts! We'd better go to Mordor and save the Emperor!"

Suddenly, Harry got back up. The laser from the blaster had hit him in the scar, destroying the Horcrux inside him.

"Actually I think I'm gonna be OK," said Harry.

"How the bloody hell…" began Ron.

"I saw Dumbledore," said Harry. "He said that I can't die as long as Voldemort lives, because once he took my blood to return to power."

"Now let's go and save the Emperor!" said Hermione.

They ran as fast as they could, and soon they entered Mordor!

"Wait a minute!" said Ron. "One does not simply walk into Mordor!"

"The Orcs and Stormtroopers will take care of themselves!" said Hermione.

They saw Palpatine next to Voldemort fighting the forces of Mordor.

"He's bewitched!" said Harry.

"Harry!" said Hermione. "Pirori Incantatem! If you can break the Imperius Curse over the Emperor, we can get him out of here!"

Harry ran up to Voldemort!

"Harry Potter!" said Voldemort. "How ironic it isn't you I'm looking for but Sauron!"

"Release the emperor from the Imperius Curse," said Harry.

"I'll deal with you first!" said Voldemort. And Harry and Voldemort began to sword-fight using their wands.

"All your Horcruxes are destroyed Voldemort!" said Harry.

"WHAT?" said Voldemort. How could anyone have known?

"Expelliarmus!" said Harry.

"I won't fall for that trick!" said Voldemort. He waved his arm and the spell knocked Harry down. Harry and Voldemort drew lightsabers and they began to fight, Star Wars style!

"REDUCTO!" said Ron. His spell blew up several orcs, Grishnakh and Uglûk among them.

Suddenly Shagrat ran up to Harry and Voldemort! He bashed Harry on the head with a TV remote! He looked around and saw Sauron fighting. He tripped Sauron and grabbed the One Ring from him.

"SHAGRAT!" said Sauron. "YOU HAVE BETRAYED MEEEEE!"

"That must be Sauron!" said Harry.

"Forget him!" said Ron. "The big fat ugly Orc has the ring!"

They ran, but at that moment nine dragons swooped down and knock Shagrat to the ground.

"NO!" said Shagrat. The Ring Wraiths dismounted and the eight stood, four on either side, while one, the Lord of the Nazgûl, Witch-King of Angmar, walked up to Shagrat!

"Yessss… Kill him!" said Sauron.

Emperor Palpatine ran up to them, under the Imperius Curse, and lopped the Witch-King's head off!

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" said Voldemort.

"Darth Sidious you scoundrel!" said Sauron.

The other Ring Wraiths ran around in confusion! Harry ran up to Shagrat, pointed his wand at him, and said "Sectumsempra!"

Shagrat's arm fell off and he dropped the Ring on the ground! Harry picked it up and he, Ron, and Hermione ran towards Mount Doom!

"RING WRAITHS! STOP HIM!" said Sauron, a terrible fear gripping him.

The Ring Wraiths dashed for their dragons but Voldemort hit two with Avada Kedavra! Stormtroopers shot five of them. Sauron hit the last with his eye laser for no reason, and he burst into flames! Sauron ran after Harry, Ron. and Hermione himself but at that moment Voldemort rushed up to him to face him.

"Sauron!" said Voldemort.

"Voldemort!" said Sauron.

"No one shall overthrow me on my watch!" said Voldemort.

"Voldy, it's time for you to go moldy!" said Sauron.

Voldemort and Sauron began fighting! They fought for quite a while! Then Palpatine got back up! Somehow the evil effects of attacking the Witch-King had freed him from the Imperius Curse!

"Voldemort, you were controlling me like some kind of puppet!" said Palpatine angrily. "I'll kill you!"

The emperor drew his red lightsaber and the 1 on 1 battle turned to a three-way battle!

* * *

At Cirith Ungol, Wormtail and Wormtongue were fighting! Wormtail got speared in the arm and started cowering! Wormtongue slit Wormtail's throat with his knife! He then ran back toward Mordor and joined the crowd that watched the three Dark Lords do battle!

Shagrat followed Harry, Ron, and Hermione to Mount Doom. Harry stood on the cliff above the lava, holding the One Ring out!

"Destroy it!" said Hermione.

"Throw it in the fire!" said Ron.

Harry didn't move.

"What are you waiting for?" said Ron.

"Just let it go!" said Hermione.

Harry stared into the ring's eyes. Even though it didn't have any. He turned around, his eyes scarlet and bloodshot. "The Ring is mine!"

Harry was about to put the Ring on when Shagrat suddenly appeared and started choking him with his remaining arm!

"Give me the ring!" said Shagrat. He stood up and started crushing Harry's head with his foot! "Hey, I found a meatball!" He then picked up the ring. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The Ring is mine!"

Darth Vader ran into the mountain and slashed Shagrat's legs from beneath him! Shagrat dropped the ring and it rolled toward the cliff and fell off! Vader dove into the lava after it. The ring landed in the lava and melted away, destroyed forever.

* * *

So the ring is destroyed! This will surely damage Sauron's chances of winning the war... Don't miss the final chapter!

AN: May 31 2011 I corrected a mistake I made about why Harry survived.


	4. The Battle Ends

DARK LORD WARS

Chapter 4: The Battle Ends

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! The Ring is mine!"

Darth Vader ran into the mountain and slashed Shagrat's legs from beneath him! Shagrat dropped the ring and it rolled toward the cliff and fell off! Vader dove into the lava after it. The ring landed in the lava and melted, destroyed forever.

* * *

During the fight, Sauron suddenly started to feel faint.

"What is going on?" he said. "What is that sound?"

"It sounded like a ring falling into lava," said Wayne.

"Shoot!" said Sauron. "Now most of my power is gone!" Had his body been destroyed at that moment, Sauron most certainly would have died.

Voldemort and Palpatine both beat up Sauron!

"CRUCIO!" said Voldemort, and Sauron howled in agony. "Crucio!" said Voldemort again. Palpatine was zapping Sauron with Sith Lightning. Voldemort then jabbed his wand hard into Palpatine's eye! Palpatine moaned and Sauron swung his leg around and tripped Voldemort and Palpatine! He then beat up on Palpatine hard with his spiked club! Then Mount Doom exploded!

* * *

(Inside Mount Doom, Harry, Ron, and Hermione ran until they saw a Thestral!)

"Can you see it?" Harry asked Ron and Hermione. He knew Thestrals could only be seen by those who have seen death.

"Half an hour ago we saw three of the emperor's enemies snuff it! What do you think?" said Ron.

Ron and Hermione got onto the Thestral while Harry pulled out his broomstick. The three of them rode away out of Mount Doom just as the lava reached the cliff. Laying on the ground, barely alive, Shagrat felt the heat around him and looked to his left to see the lava surrounding him.

"Dammit," said Shagrat.

Lava poured out of the entrance of Mount Doom, and the lava poured down and it connected with a tornado! The resulting explosion sent everyone flying over to Cold Lake!

"Well, that's it," said Ron. "The ring is destroyed and Voldemort and Sauron are fighting each other."

"But the emperor is fighting them!" said Harry. "We must help him!"

* * *

At Cold Lake, the three Dark Lords fought near the docks! Almost all the Stormtroopers, Dementors, Death Eaters, and Orcs have been wiped out by now and many of them have landed in the lake and drowned. Bellatrix, Tarkin, and Wayne were fighting and Bellatrix hit Tarkin with Avada Kedavra! Wayne swung his sword and cut Bellatrix's head off and her headless corpse fell off the edge into the lake. Palpatine cut off Wayne's head and Force-pushed Wormtongue off the edge into the area where the boats were. Grima drowned when he was in there. In a minute, the only ones remaining were Voldemort, Palpatine, and Sauron themselves!

"Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the dark side!" said Palpatine.

"The dark side can't beat the One Ring… TO RULE THEM ALL!!!" said Sauron.

"Bow to death. It might even be painless. I would not know – I have never died," said Voldemort.

They continued fighting and soon Voldemort kicked Sauron out of the way and pointed his wand directly at Palpatine!

"CRUCIO!"

Palpatine writhed on the ground in agony!

"CRUCIO CRUCIO CRUCIO CRUCIO CRUCIO!!!"

Sauron beat on Palpatine with his mace! Voldemort raised his wand and Sauron raised his mace! At that moment, Harry, Ron, and Hermione arrived! Ron and Hermione grabbed Sauron's arm!

"What the helk are you doing?" said Sauron, bewildered.

"Expelliarmus!" said Harry.

Voldemort's wand flew out of his hand.

"Don't kill him!" said Harry. "Let him go! He never did anything to you!"

"Why are you defending him?" said Voldemort. "He was evil the whole time, just like us!"

"You mean…" said Harry, the terrible truth hitting him at last.

Palpatine got back up and Force-pushed Harry, Ron, and Hermione into the area with the boats!

"I'll deal with them later!" said Palpatine. He was just about to Force-pull his lightsaber to him when Sauron threw his mace, crushing the lightsaber! The mace fell into the water and sunk below the surface.

"Muggle dueling!" said Voldemort. The three of them punched and kicked and bit and licked! Sauron was beating up both of his enemies with his fist! Then suddenly he doubled over in pain and grabbed his stomach.

"Dammit!" said Sauron. "The watermelons are growing inside me!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" said Voldemort. "Don't tell me you swallowed a black watermelon seed!"

"I swallowed seven!" said Sauron.

Voldemort ran at Palpatine and Sauron and smashed into them both! All three of them fell over the wall and into the lake! Harry, Ron, and Hermione climbed up the ladder. They looked over the edge and saw no trace of the Dark Lords.

"Will they come back up?" said Hermione.

"They must've all drowned when they fell," said Ron. "Or maybe the kraken got them."

The three of them walked away.

Seconds later, Emperor Palpatine emerged from the shallow water, carrying the severed heads of Voldemort and Sauron.

"Now the world is mine!" said the emperor. "GWAHAHAHAHA…"

Palpatine got hit by a bus!

THE END

* * *

AN: Most of the characters are from the Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, and Harry Potter books/movies, but Wayne the Goblin is not. If ya wanna see him, watch Legendary Frog's flash video "One Ring to Rule Them All" and its sequels.


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